***Disclaimer: this is NOT a post about the Biblical accounts of Paul’s (in Rome) or John’s (on the island of Patmos) imprisonment.***
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Today, on my way to lunch with my mom, I was pulled over for speeding. When the officer routinely ran the check for my tag, it came back stolen. This is the truck I’ve been driving since I was 16, and there’s no way it was stolen. But the tags…they actually WERE stolen, unbeknownst to me.
“Wells, OBVIOUSLY, we have a CAR THEIF, in BETHANY OKLAHOMA. He’s climbing in your driver’s seat, switchin yo license plates, tryina steal em so y’all need to HIDE YA CARS, HIDE YA TAGS, and hide ya car keys…’cause he’s stealin errbody’s out here.”
The likely story is that someone stole a car, switched the license plate from the stolen car to my car, then stole my plate. So today when I got pulled over with stolen plates, the officer had no choice but to arrest me and charge me with receiving and posessing stolen items.
I went to jail.
Here are 5 things I learned from jail today.
1. If you’re not in the front seat, police cars are not comfortable at all.
My 6’3” self was stuffed into the very tiny space they call a “back seat”. Also, it may not seem like a big deal to be in cuffs with your hands behind your back for 5-10 minutes, and you’re right. It’s after an hour and a half that it becomes more than uncomfortable. God forbid your nose should itch…like mine did after 2 minutes.
2. You’re actually assumed guilty until proven innocent.
Okay, “officially”, you’re innocent until proven guilty, but there’s a reason they put handcuffs on you and put you in jail. It’s not because they think you’re innocent. If that were the case, they’d believe you when you told them you hadn’t done anything wrong. Wisely, and uncharacteristically, I kept my mouth shut this time.
3. Gang members don’t think it’s as cool or interesting as you do that you’re “really in jail right now”.
Small-talk and smiling were not encouraged by these guys. I felt a little like Buddy the Elf on his first day of work at his dad’s company. Apparently, if you’re in an actual gang, smiling is not your favorite…
4. Apparently I was the first person to make a TSA joke as I was getting a pat-down before they booked me.
Me (standing, facing the wall, with legs spread and hands on the wall): “Man, you’re a lot less thorough than those TSA agents…and thankfully your hands are a lot warmer.” ::uproarious laughter from the men with guns::
5. The worst part of jail is being in a room with a bunch of (in all likelihood) hardened criminals & repeat-offenders…
…which wasn’t anything I had to experience. Thanks to a phone call from my dad, who works for the sherrif, I was in protective custody and had my own personal cell, so the worst part of jail for me was actually extreme boredom and knowing that my parents were probably freaking out. Also, it was a bit cold. Could’ve used a blanket.
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All that being said, it was still kind of scary, and I got choked up big time when I embraced my step-dad who was waiting for me in the parking lot after some very hard work and sacrifice to get me out of there ASAP. If my parents weren’t so awesome, I would’ve gotten to spend the night for sure, at which point I would’ve considered myself to have “served time”.
So that was my Tuesday.
What revelations have you had after you were arrested? (I may not have the right reader-base to be asking this type of question)
I have no idea why no one has commented yet, but I’ve been laughing out loud. Great post Nate! And as soon as I serve time I’ll be back to comment some more.
I’ll be waiting, Jen!
if you would have had to stay overnight, i would have come up and sang hymns with you…
No lie…I sang a few hymns earlier in the day when I was the only one on the block. (how hard does the last part of that sound?)
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Omg how does that happen? So crazy! Did the handcuffs hurt?
The handcuffs kind of hurt (left small bruises), but what hurt more were my shoulders from sitting in a car with my hands behind my back.
I was arrested for shoplifting when I was 15. What I learned is that Christmas Shoplifting, not a good idea. I had to go to a “Feelings” class for like 2 weeks where we were asked to learn to express ourselves. There were about 15 people there, and only 2 or 3 of us were there for shoplifting, the rest were for some sort of assault charges. People who commit assault are very good at expressing how angry they are…
I also got a phone number from a girl who also had to go to feelings class for shoplifting. We talked, but we never went out, mostly because I was grounded for about a year after this whole incident. I also learned that my parents debated on not picking me up since it took them 6 hours to pick me up from the police station. Oh, and I learned that I cry like a baby when people point guns at me… (3 store clerks tackled me and held me down, so when the police came in they had guns drawn ready for some crazy dude to be under the dog pile).
I had a sneaking suspicion that you were a hardened criminal and now I am not sure that I can associate myself with such a heathen sinner. LOL At least you could inject some humor into it and make our police officers get a good laugh for a thankless job at times.
BTW -I spent almost a year in jail … on the other side as a detention officer. It does open your eyes a bit.
“Bad boy, bad boy, whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do when they come for you?”
Nate,
There is an entire world out there that half of the US population never gets to experience the truth about.
Learn from this that our criminal justice system cares not about your innocence but about making money off of you. If you are in the system, they are getting paid and have job security. If the jail is empty, then it must not be needed. As such, criminal justice is about earning fees or keeping them in jail. If you can prove you can pay, then you can always get out. They aren’t worried about you staying out, because anybody with criminal charges is always arrested onsite if anything within half a mile of them goes down!
Those guys you got to meet will get released into general population, but the boredom you faced is placed on them 24 hours a day for the entire duration of their stay. Once in general population, every person instantly becomes a racist and you must join your fellow ‘woods’ in order to stay safe. Which ever race dominates the general population is the one with all the power. You can talk to another race, but don’t exchange food or give them anything.
Our criminal justice system needs to change. If you go to jail, you should be in class being educated, not working the city dumps so that they don’t have to pay for manual labor. If you are suspected of a crime, you get treated like a criminal. The constant down talking of inmates only makes them mad at the system, and doesn’t make them feel like there is any hope for getting out of the system.
The only reason I’m currently escaping the system is because I pretend that my past hasn’t happened. I only tell people of the good I’ve done, which I have thankfully done a lot of. As soon as you tell someone the truth about your past, you instantly get rejected from the part of society that claims to be accepting of people who are reformed. Even at LifeChurch, when the truth comes out, people quit inviting you to personal events. You can join them for group events but if you speak out at a group event about your past, you’ll quickly be pushed to the side. Once you have a criminal record, you can only hang out with others that have criminal records, because you understand where each other are coming from. The problem with this is that it makes it easy to fall back into the life cycle that justifies doing illegal or unGodly things.
May your experience with the law give you understanding what it feels like to be guilty until you prove yourself innocent. It is much harder to prove innocence when you are locked in jail without money or someone that can get you out. Understand how hard it is for these criminals to not re-offend when everybody looks down at them except for other criminals! Most of them actually did the crime, but a large percentage of them probably would have learned their lesson about not committing crimes if the lesson hadn’t been, “You’re screwed in life. You are a piece of sh!%. Good luck.”
J.B. (anonymous to the world, but I think you know who I am)
i spent 18 hours in County lockup about 15 years ago for a suspended driver’s license. my backseat handcuffed experience was very similar, and i swear he was driving crazy to see if i would bump my head. i was the only one in general lockup wearing a button down shirt, khaki’s and loafers. 2 or 3 of the guys took one look at me and just laughed, “you don’t belong here boy”. i was respectful and quiet and got as far away from the dirty toilet in the middle of the room as i could and tried to sleep on a bench.
my room mate finally got my message and came down and bailed me out. i went home and slept for 24 hours.
Nate-
This is unreal. I was laughing SO hard, and had to read this aloud to my fiance’, prefacing the fact that you’re probably one of the most level-headed and pretty straight-laced guys that I know. Glad you had such an interesting experience….!!!
Hope everything gets worked out for you. And, what are the odds of this happening? I mean, really!!
wow
I ran out of gas on my way back from Oklahoma in May – my gas light had stopped working and I was too engrossed in my book on tape to realize I was on E. It could happen to anyone. Anyway, a nice, though still really scary, police officer stopped with his flashing lights and asked what I was doing on the side of I25. I explained and he offered to take me to the gas station. I had to ride in the back seat because apparently it’s illegal for someone to ride in the front seat (I’m not sure I believe that).
Not quite as exciting as your experience to be sure. Though I did feel like a complete idiot, especially when he had to remind me to put my seat belt on.
That would be really intense. I love that your book-on-tape is the reason you ran out of gas. My police officer didn’t even bother buckling me in AND he was typing on his computer screen while driving (which is the exactly the same as texting and driving). He also didn’t read me my rights, but whatevz. Glad you made it out alive. Did he handcuff you to anything just for fun?